new music

Me: Hey Peter, don't forget I'm having some people over tonight.

Peter: Alright, but we're listening to my new music.

Me: new music?

Peter: Yeah. It's called "gangsta."

peter on facebook

my status update:
i'm daydreaming about my summer trip to turkey to stay with irish jean in her ma's vacation house on the beach.

peter's comment:
warehouse laborer needed. Detailed oriented, basic math and computer skills. Bilingual. (281)440-8082

collectors wanted! Must have 2-3 years collection agency experience! Earn $500- $1000weekly. Call Tony (281)579-6161, Extention 206.

Veterinary ClinicL: League City hiring full-time Office Manager/ Animal Tech and a part-time Animal Tech/ Kennel position. (281)334-4666

find yourself a husband.

"Peter, go to my house and move my dryer. The plug won't reach."

"Heather, find yourself a husband and f*cking leave me alone."

peter gets bored again

I just saw Peter playing a learning game on a childrens Vtech computer.

Before I could ask him what the hell he was doing, he slammed it shut and told it to "GO TO HELL!"

peter's brother

Once, while on Beaver Island, Peter's brother Fred got pulled over for stealing a jeep.

Turns out, he had driven off in a jeep that he thought was his rental.

It runs in the family.

I ♥ Fred.

procrastination

Me: I need express shipping on that book. My paper is due on Tuesday.

Peter: So what you're telling me is "Hey Peter, pay for my f*cking procrastination."

peter takes people fishing

Peter took a group of people fishing, including my sister, and insisted that everyone put their cellphones in a "waterproof" box that he had on his boat.

For some "unknown" reason, at least five of those cellphones stopped working that day.

thanks for the ride to the airport, peter.

My best friend and I were leaving Houston and going to New York City.

Peter gave us a ride to the airport and dropped us off at international arrivals.

peter goes to a bachelor party

Peter went to his best friend's son's bachelor party.

They ended up at the turtle club, a bar right on the lake.
One of the guys suggested that they went for a ride on his boat.
Of course, being the fisherman Peter is, he was all about it.
He talked to the guy for a while about his boat, that was just right outside the bar, and they decided they'd all go for a ride after a while.

A little later, Peter had to use the bathroom but the line at the turtle club was extremely long. So, Peter decided he'd go out to the boat and use the bathroom and wait for the guys there.

Peter found the boat, went inside and "took a piss." He looked around the bathroom and thought "wow, this is pretty fancy, I should take advantage of this and take a shit." So, Peter did just that.

After taking care of business in the fancy bathroom, Peter opened the door and saw two strangers, a man and a woman, standing there looking at him, incredibly confused.

The man asked Peter "What are you doing on our boat?"
Peter replied "Well, aren't we all going for a ride?"

When the couple had no idea what Peter was talking about, Peter then realized he had taken a shit on someone else's boat.

What did he do next? He told me all he could do was apologize. So, he told the old couple,
"I'm sorry for stinking up your cabin."

peter doesn't go to the mall often.

"Heather! What is this Forever 21 shit on your credit card bill?! It better not be a f*ckin' bar!"

peter's maintenance.

I just pulled into CVS and saw Peter sitting in his car in the parking lot.

"Hey Peter."
"Can you believe this shit?!"

He shows me a receipt for the maintenance he just had done on his car, and it's cleaner than I've ever seen it.

"Well Dad, on the inside it looks like they did a pretty good j..."
"They practically f*cking robbed me!"

As Peter pulls the receipt back through the window, he knocks the cherry off of his cigarette, and it burns a hole in his floor board.

peter babysits

I asked Peter to keep an eye on the kids for me while I finished up something for class. When I went back to the baby cabin to check on them, this is what I found:



Yes, Peter snoozing in a mini-bed.

peter's response

Just like any other morning, Peter and I are sitting next to each other on our laptops. Except this morning, every time I ask Peter a question, he types his response into a translation website and I hear it in a professional Spanish voice.

peter gets philosophical.

Me: Wow, Peter, that's probably the most inappropriate thing you've ever said.

Peter: Everything is relative!

peter's "baby" is growing up.

Me: Hey Peter, thanks for the email. I got my registration and inspection taken care of.

Peter: My baby is growing up!

Me: Peter, I'm almost twenty-five.

Peter: You've got to be kidding me.

Me: How can you NOT KNOW how old I am?

Peter: Get a job.

peter checks on me.

Peter sent me a text message last night, asking me if I was home. Then he sent me another text message, asking me if I was alright. Kind of confused, I said "yeah, Peter, I'm fine. What's up?"

His response at 9:49 p.m.:

"I left in my car a while ago and when I got back for some reason your mom said she was happy I went to check on you. I didn't want to tell her that I just went to get beer."

peter's blueprints

The latest addition to the compound is a pond designed by Peter.




Pretty awesome, right?
After emailing a few pictures of his new pond, some of Peter's friends were so impressed that they asked him for the blueprints.

Peter's blueprints:



No bullshit, guys. I was there the morning he drew this.
My favorite part is the smiling sun.

real helpful, peter.

“Peter, I’m coming over. We need to book my flights.”
“Don’t f*ck with me right now, I’m busy.”
“Bullshit, it’s Saturday, what are you busy with?”
“I’m helping the guys lay the tile! Call me later!”

Knowing he really wasn’t busy, I went to his house.





Real helpful, Peter.

peter's lucky hairbrush

Peter: We have a serious problem.

Me: Is this about your phone?

Peter: No, your son lost my lucky hairbrush.

Me: Since when do you have a lucky hairbrush?

Peter: Your son lost my lucky hairbrush.

Me: Peter, what makes this hairbrush so lucky?

Peter: It doesn't matter what makes it lucky! What matters is what it makes lucky!

Me: Well... (Peter cuts me off)

Peter: Lucky hairbrush. Find it.

birth control

"Peter, can I have some money?"
"What the hell for?"
"I need to pick up my birth control."

Peter quickly pulls out his wallet, hands me some money, and says

"You sure can, here you go, go on now, you're looking pretty fertile."

when I was in labor

When I was in labor my contractions were monitored and Peter sat there and watched them on this screen. When I would scream because of a contraction, Peter would say "oh shut up Heather, that was a little one, I just saw it on the screen."

peter gets a new phone part II

It's now known among our family that when Peter calls you, you don't answer the phone or call back unless it rings more than once. That's how we deal with Peter's phone calling us "all on its own."

"Peter, you dropped your phone. Be careful. You're going to break it."
"That's probably the best f*cking thing that could happen to me!"

When I can hear Peter listening to music next door, I like to send him a text message. Why? Because I think it's hilarious when I can hear him pause the song he's listening to so he can concentrate on receiving the text.

The other day I was in the car with Peter and his phone made him furious. He keeps his phone in his shirt pocket and swears his "nipple unlocks the piece of shit."

peter gets a new phone

After five years with his trusty Motorola flip phone, Peter decided to get a new touch screen phone.

He got an Android, but he doesn't even know it. If you ask what kind of phone he got, he'll just tell you "top of the line!"

While waiting for it in the mail, Peter talked about it constantly. My mom told me he'd go to sleep talking about it and wake up talking about it. Now that he has it, he still talks about it, but mostly referring to it as a "f*cking piece of shit!"

My brother got the same phone and sent Peter a text that said "Do you like your new phone? I love mine!"
Peter said "I wanted to write back and say 'fuck you!' but I couldn't figure out how."

A couple of days later my sister sent Peter a text and asked him the same question. Six hours later Peter responded "piece of shiiit."

A few days later Peter sent me a text that said "hello" and I said "hello dad...?" and Peter responed "Iii can do iiit! I can teexxt!"

Later that day I said "so you figured that thing out, Peter? You can text now?" and he said "Oh yeah, I figured it out, I can only text when I'm sitting down, that's the trick."

Other than texting, Peter has had some trouble making phone calls too, on accident.
He told us he was sending back "the piece of shit" because it randomly calls people and sometimes when he's "talking about them!!!" Peter had his phone on voice command and didn't even know it.

Apparently he's really gotten the hang of it though. On his homescreen he has made four new folders, all empty, with no idea how to even open them.

peter's record player

Most of our parents had record players back in the day, but Peter's was special. Peter's record player was portable. It took ten huge batteries and despite the weight of it, Peter took it everywhere. I mean, everywhere.

One day, Peter was meeting some friends at the beach and brought the party with him. He proudly set up his portable record player and began enjoying the afternoon with his friends.

"All of the sudden, the record started sounding like it was playing too slow, then it started making really strange noises, then it just stopped."

The sun melthed Peter's record right onto his record player.

"It was never the same again" he tells me.
Of course it wasn't.

more peterisms

"You really think so Peter?"
"Obsolutely!"

"Why don't you go inside and finish your beer? It's getting kinda cold, Peter."
"Because I don't drink in walls."

"You know Peter, I think I could live here and be a writer."
"What the f*ck would you write about? Do you feel aspired by these rocks?"

"You'd really do that?"
"I would do it in a New York heartbeat!"

peter and a parrot

I just listened to Peter have what he thought was a short conversation with my mom from the kitchen, in which every one of her responses was "yeah."

Peter was having a short conversation with my mom's parrot.

peter plays darts

Once Peter went to Molly's Clear Lake and bet the bartender twenty bucks he could hit the bull's eye on his first try. Peter threw the dart, it flew past the dartboard and hit the door of the women's restroom. The bartender felt so bad for him that he wouldn't take his money.

peter gets me good

I walked into my parent's house last night and my sister and brother-in-law were sitting with Peter in the living room laughing their ass off.
Peter was sitting on the couch with his "mini" computer and when I asked what was so funny he proudly said to me "Man, I got you good!"
Peter thought I had left my facebook logged in on his computer and he attempted to embarrass me with a status update about having diarrhea.
What really happened was Peter was logged into HIS OWN facebook and posted something on my wall from HIM.

Here it is: "Peter Schutmaat oh do I have the !!!!!!! Yesterday at 8:18 pm"

The best part is he probably doesn't even know how to delete it so it's still on my wall.

You got me good, Peter.

it wasn't peter's fault

"So, Peter, how did you manage to fly off of Laura's treadmill and into the wall?"
"You think it was my fault?! That f*cking machine tried to eat my sandal."

i am peter's daughter

When you're related to Peter, the chances are there will come a time or two when you do something very "peterish" to remind you that you're related to him. And because I am his daughter, these times come to me at full force. I do something and then ask myself "Oh my god, did I really just do that?" Of course I did, I am Peter's daughter.

The other night I thought I was absolutely hilarious when I sent my friend a text message that said "I know what you did, you dirty bird!" I giggled as I waited for his reply because to me, calling someone a dirty bird is just so funny.
A few minutes went by and he hadn't responded so I looked down at my phone and realized that in my contact list, my friend's name is right next to Peter's realtor's name.
Yup, I sent Peter's realtor a text message that said "I know what you did, you dirty bird!"

Times like these remind me that I am a product of Peter.
The only difference is I know that I did it. I know that my blackberry isn't "out to get me."

the real reason peter doesn't want a treadmill

The other day my sister asked me "You wanna know why Peter really doesn't want a treadmill?"
Of course I wanted to know.

"Well, one day Peter came over to my house and got on the treadmill and just started pushing buttons. I don't think he thought anything was going to happen. All of the sudden Peter flew off of the treadmill and almost made a hole in my wall."

peter's profound moment

One morning at the lake house we caught the end of American Beauty while getting ready to spend the day by the lake.
Peter sat at the end of the bed in front of the t.v. with a sincere look on his face and nodding in agreement as Kevin Spacey talked about there being so much beauty in the world and feeling like he sometimes sees it all at once and his heart filling up like a balloon (yeah, you know the line.)
My sister and I looked at each other confused. Was Peter having some kind of sincere, profound moment?
Then we looked down and noticed that all the while Peter was rubbing Australian Gold tanning oil on top of his feet and between his toes.

peter gets a tan

One summer Peter was determined to get a "nice" tan so he picked up some Australian Gold tanning oil at Walgreens.
Every day he thoroughly covered himself in tanning oil and sat out in the sun with his shorts rolled up in front of a fan.
We were actually impressed by how fast he began tanning even though we were a little suspicious because he always talked about what "good shit" his tanning oil was.
One day we were out by the pool and noticed some weird dark orange colors on Peter's white swimming trunks.
Turns out the tanning oil wasn't just tanning oil.
Did Peter not want us to know he was using self-tanner or did he just have no clue?

peter knows what louie likes

One afternoon Peter confidently told us that there's nothing Louie (his basset hound) wouldn't do for an ice cube on a hot day.

Peter tossed Louie an ice cube and Louie sniffed it and walked away.

peter doesn't want a treadmill

Me: Peter, I thought you were going to get a treadmill.

Peter: I don't want a treadmill. That shit's for old people. You think I need shit around to remind me I'm getting old?

My mom: Oh give me a break, Peter. Look at your sandals.

Peter: These were an accident!

My mom: That's your fourth pair, Peter.

Peter: Yup. And my fourth accident.

housewarming gifts

When I was eighteen and moved into my first place Peter got me two housewarming gifts. One red neon sign that said "WHATEVER" and one purple neon sign that said "BRAT." He got them for a steal at Walgreens.

I ♥ Peter so much that when he would come over I'd take them out of the closet and plug them in in my dining room.

peter looks for cat crap

Once Peter spent an entire morning looking for the pile of cat crap he smelled in the house.
Finally, he realized the cat crap was on the tip of his nose.
How did it get there? No idea. But once I witnessed Peter yelling up a storm because a cat had crapped in his motorcycle helmet so I can only imagine the possibilities.

peter gets kicked out of boy scouts

"Peter, mom told me you got kicked out of boy scouts!"
"Yup. One night we were camping and me and my buddy pissed on every one's sleeping bag."
"Why would you do that?"
"To be funny!"
"So how did they find out it was you?"
"We were the only ones that went to sleep in our sleeping bags."
"And they kicked you out?"
"Not for that. They kicked me out because I brought my new hatchet with me one day and chopped up all the rope we were going to use to practice tying knots."
"WHY?!"
"I dunno, just wanted to use my new hatchet."

peter's body wash

One day Peter brought me into the bathroom because he wanted to show me something "really cool" that he had just bought. I thought it was another vibrating toothbrush or something like that. To my surprise he showed me a bottle of AXE body wash. I had no idea what to even say. Why would he go out of his way to show me a bottle of body wash? He just stood there nodding his head saying "eh? eh? pretty cool, huh?"
Later I asked my mom why Peter thought his body wash was so cool and she said "Jesus, did he really go buy that? Last night he saw the commercial."

peter doesn't know sound travels on water REVISED

It's been brought to my attention that I remembered this story incorrectly.

Apparently Peter doesn't know sound travels on water.
One day at the lake house Peter went out on the lake in the little boat to fish BY HIMSELF. We were all sitting on the balcony enjoying the sunshine when we hear Peter say to himself after getting lake water on him, very clearly I might add, "I can't believe Cindy only packed me two pairs of underwear. I've been wearing this pair for two and a half days now."

Maybe it's just me, but this story just got so much funnier.

peter doesn't know sound travels on water

Apparently Peter doesn't know sound travels on water.
One day at the lake house Peter took one of my cousins out on the lake in the little boat to fish. We were all sitting on the balcony enjoying the sunshine when we hear Peter, very clearly I might add, say "I can't believe Cindy only packed me two pairs of underwear. I've been wearing this pair for two and half days now."

TITCO

Peter told me that once he got a bulk of lighters for really cheap at TITCO. I told him I was pretty sure it was a CITGO and not a TITCO. Then he said something like "it was a f*cking TITCO. You guys think I just make this shit up." Later in the day I walked into the computer room and he had left this image on the computer screen for us to see.



Imagine how cool he thought he was with no clue that he was STILL wrong.

loucious

"Those people were weird. They were into witchcraft and had a dog name Loucious!"
"It was Lucifer, Peter."
"Yeah, that's what I said."

when I was freshman in high school

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I called Peter from the nurse's office to come pick me up because I wasn't feeling well.
Peter took forever to come get me. After he finally got me he admitted to me in the car on the way home that he had gone to my old intermediate school to pick me up. The lady at the front desk remembered who I was and informed him that I was in high school.

Peter didn't even know what grade I was in.

peter and a lost cake

My mom bought a cake for one of my siblings and it was pretty big so when she checked out they put the cake under the shopping cart. When my mom got home she realized she had left the cake under the shopping cart and told Peter about it. Convinced it was their fault for putting the cake in such a stupid place, Peter decided he would take care of the situation. Peter went to Randall’s and told them what had happened.
“Sorry, sir. We haven’t found any shopping carts in the parking lot with cake in them.”
“You can’t be f*cking serious, who the hell would steal a birthday cake with someone else’s name on it?”
“We don’t know that anyone stole it, we just know that a cake in the parking lot hasn’t been found.”
“Well what am I supposed to do now? It’s not my fault someone put the cake in a stupid place!”
“I’m sure the bakery can prepare you another one.”
“Forget it! We don’t want another cake from your bakery! We’ll never buy another cake here again!”
Peter went home and proudly told my mom that he “chewed out” those people at Randall’s.
“Peter, you can’t be serious.”
“Yup! I let them have it.”
“Peter, I bought the cake at target.”

peter reports a disturbance

If you read "Peterisms" you already know that Peter gets words confused quite often and sometimes makes up his own. Just last night he told me and my friends it was such a weird feeling to get "diga voo." Don't let this give you the wrong idea though. Peter is an absolute genius, musically (have you heard that man play the flute?), comically (although unintentionally), and in many other ways. Still, he says some absolutely HILARIOUS shit.

I used to have these really awful neighbors that would get drunk in the middle of the afternoon and yell horribly profane things at each other and sometimes get physical. For the most part I had no choice but to call the cops. One after noon it got pretty bad and I asked Peter if he would do me a favor and call the police.
"Peter, just tell them they're fighting again and yelling profane things."
"You got it!"
So, Peter calls them and says "Yes ma'am. Our neighbors are going at it again. They're shouting very pornographic things at each other!"
"Profanities, Peter!!! PROFANITIES!"
Going at it? Pornographic? I don't even want to think about what kind of situation the dispatcher thought Peter was trying to report.
Peter had no idea what he had said wrong. He just looked at me very confused and said "What? They're on their way."

Peter taking a "picture"

Peter accidently taking video Video by heather minette - MySpace Video

twosome and horse fish

Tonight at my sister's house the bachelor was on t.v. and Peter says
"Oh look at that guy with those two girls! What's the hell's he gonna do? Go have a twosome?!"
"A twosome, Peter?"
"Well actually it's called a MENGAGE A TROIS!"
After we stop laughing I say
"You know Peter, that's actually acceptable in some cultures, to have two women."
And Peter says
"You know male horse fish carry the babies!"
"Horse fish, Peter?"
"Yup! The guys."

peter is busy

I wrote this down yesterday afternoon.

Exactly twenty minutes ago I called Peter to see if I could get some help putting together a new book shelf. Before I could even finish asking he told me he was waaay too busy.

Exactly twenty minutes ago Peter accepted my friend request from Peter Stories.

Real busy, Peter.

when I was fourteen

When I was fourteen I came home two hours past my curfew. There was Peter, standing in the doorway in his whitie tighties and black knee socks for all my friends to see. My best friend Destiny asked me “What the hell is Peter doing?” Then he opened the door and yelled “HEATHER, I’M NOT MAD! I’M ON FIRE!”

When I was fourteen my pager went through the washing machine. When Peter took me to get a new one he told me to tell them that I had no idea what happened to it, it just stopped working. So I did just that. The guy opened my pager and water came out. Then Peter looked at ME and then looked at the guy and shook his head as if I had lied.

my face

"Did you get my comment on my face?"
"No, Peter I didn't get your comment on facebook."
"I know you didn't! Because I can't figure out how to f*cking do it!"

peter's love letter

One evening at my brother's house in Holland Peter sat at the dining room table writing a very long and intimate email to my mom. We watch him as he writes it because he keeps grinning at himself, probably thinking my mom was going to be impressed by how cool and suave he is.
All of the sudden Peter pushes himself away from the table, throws his hands in the air, and yells "NO! WHAT THE HELL? HOW THE F*CK DID THAT HAPPEN?!"
Peter sent his love letter to our family dog groomer.
Laughing hysterically we asked him how he could possibly send his love letter to the wrong person and he responded as if we had wrongly accused him.
"OH! I DID IT? I DID IT?"
Yes, Peter, you sent a love letter to the family dog groomer.

peter's first gps

Once Peter got a new car with his very first GPS. He wanted to take me for a ride in it but it had to be quick because I only had ten minutes before I had to leave for class. We spent those entire ten minutes at the stop sign on his street while he yelled at his GPS for giving him the "wrong" directions out of the neighborhood.
When his GPS started speaking French, the ride was over.

what fish?

Peter's jacuzzi had been broken for months so my mom decided to turn it into a fish pond.
One day Peter decided it was time to fix his jacuzzi and I saw him standing next to it vacuuming out all of the water.
"Peter, what'd you do with all the fish?"
"What fish?"
"Peter, mom put a bunch a little fish in there weeks ago!"
Peter stood there confused, stroking his mustache, and finally said "Well, I must have sucked them right up!"

elevator ride

Peter and a friend are riding on an elevator together when thanks to Peter the air becomes disgustingly toxic.
All of the sudden the doors open and a beautiful woman gets on.
Peter's friend is so embarrassed he gets off of the elevator.
When the doors close Peter tells the beautiful woman "Thank god that guy got off. He's got a serious problem."

cable

For the first six months of Kaleb's life Pop Pop (Peter) called him Cable.

peter learns about netflix

Peter was at the dining room table and I heard him mumbling "man, this is some weird lookin' mail." Then my mom walked in and said "Peter, what the hell are you doing?!"
(If you haven't noticed, we ask Peter this question at least once a day.)
He was opening Bryan's outgoing netflix d.v.d.s. that he got out of the mailbox.
He got mad and yelled "how the hell was I supposed to know?!"
It was too funny, I had to leave the room.
When I came back in Bryan's netflix d.v.d.s were sitting on the table, all sealed up with scotch tape.

grandma pauline is coming

"Peter! What the hell are you doing?!"
"Grandma Pauline is coming in a few weeks."
"Oh."

"Mom! What the hell is Peter doing?!"

peterisms

Peter got new speakers and told my sister to come over and listen to them. "The sound is just so crispy."

On Thanksgiving Peter told us we had to try the pie. "Man, this pie is voluptuous!"

Peter saw Eileen looking through an Urban Outfitters catalog and said "Man those girls are skinny. What are they, anorectic?"

It's a family tradition on Christmas to take turns reading the story of baby Jesus before we open gifts. Last time Peter read it the angels "hoovered."

Peter got a new gold chain and wanted to show everyone his "bling." He says "Hey guys, check out my binky!"

peter gets bored

Once Peter was so bored I saw him sitting outside cutting pieces of cat food with scissors.

peter's ducati

When Peter was younger and living in Venezuela he had a motorcycle called a Ducati. He loved his motorcycle so much that he carried around a lock and chain in his backpack so that noone could steal his beloved motorcycle, painted black with a matte finish and lacking a kickstand. One day Peter took my mom to the movies and chained his motorcycle to a pole. When they left the movies someone had stolen the chain and left the motorcycle.

He must have been quite a site to see on that motorcycle with his pancho and goggles and funny helmet. One day Peter stopped for a hitchiker and he took one look at Peter and took off running.

Once someone's fish died from lack of oxygen after Peter's Ducati suffered a small fire and he "borrowed" some aquarium hoses to replace the ones that had burned.

One night Peter took my mom to a burger joint where all the cool bikers hung out. He didn't prop his motorcycle up well enough and it toppled over creating a domino effect knocking over all the cool guys' motorcycles.

Once a fat traffic officer eating a sandwich jumped on the back of Peter's motorcycle at an intersection and ordered him to "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Peter never made it out of first gear.

peter travels

Once at an airport in Nashville Peter was trying to print his boarding pass and became really angry because the machine wasn't responding. Then he remembered he was flying Continental and not Southwest.

Once at an airport in Colombia a drug sniffing dog peed on Peter's suitcase.

Once Peter put his carry on suitcase through security and forgot it. Then it was considered abandoned.

Once Peter bragged to everyone about what a great deal he had gotten on some tickets to Mexico. It wasn't until the day he was supposed to return from Mexico that it was brought to his attention he had booked his return flight for the following month.

While on a Caribbean cruise Peter turned blue in the face trying to sip a rum runner. Turns out he'd mistaken the cherry stem for a little red straw.

Once while travelling through the interior of Venezuela Peter was stopped at a checkpoint by the National Guard on the hunt for guerrillas. While searching the car they came upon his flute case. They found it to be rather suspicious looking and asked Peter to open it up. He opened the case, assembled his flute, and proceeded to play the Venezuelan national anthem. All National Guards stood at attention.

peter in holland

When Peter travels to Holland he feels like it’s necessary to speak broken English with a Chinese accent to Dutch people. One day we were doing some shopping in a small town outside of Amsterdam and I saw Peter with his arms flapping at his side. I thought "Oh no. What the hell is he doing now?" Then I heard him telling the shop owner “We come here on big bird. Big bird is big plane. We come here on big plane.”
“Oh, really? What airline did you fly?” she replied in perfect English.

Before leaving the little town Peter took us to a cafe so he could use the bathroom. He told us the place was famous for their tomato soup. Famous? Really? I had to try it. The waitress told me sorry, that they didn't serve tomato soup.

On this same trip to Holland Peter and I decided to go visit my great aunt and uncle a few hours from the town we were staying in. We rented a car and after Peter joked to the Dutch guy about there being cigarette butts and condoms in the back seat of rental cars in New Orleans and the Dutch guy having no clue what he was talking about, we were on our way.
Peter must have gotten pretty distracted while trying to tell me a joke about an alien and alien’s wife and getting frustrated with himself for not getting it right and yelling “f*ck it! I won’t even tell it!” because it was right after this that we realized we were lost. Well, I realized we were lost. Peter swore he knew exactly where we were because he recognized the cows and windmills on the side of the road. Seriously though, think about how many cows and windmills there must be in Holland. After a few lefts and rights I realized that none of the signs were in Dutch anymore. Peter drove us all the way to Germany.


Hours after our estimated time of arrival and after Peter stopped more than once for Doritos and peanuts, we made it to my great aunt and uncle’s house. We had a wonderful time, but knew it was time to leave when Peter obviously had Henieken on his mind and couldn’t stop calling my aunt Tenieke “Henieke.”

In the station waiting for the train to Amsterdam my brother and I notice Peter staring blankly at a pile of dust between his feet as he unrolled his crushed pack of rolaids. Then he looks up at us and says in a very serious tone "Welp, folks, my rolaids died."

In Amsterdam Peter wanted to show us a beautiful canal and he knew exactly where it was. Before we knew it we were lost in the red light district and all Peter could say to us was "Well kids, that's just the way life goes sometimes."

Thank you in dutch is "dank u wel." When they bring Peter his coffee he says "donkey!"

One second Peter and I are walking side by side down a crowded street in Amsterdam. The next second Peter is nowhere to be found. I’m turning around in circles looking for him when I finally spot him with his face up against the front window of an oriental décor shop, doing his best Chinese impression.

Honestly though, both of the trips I took to Holland with Peter were probably some of the best times I've ever had and are certainly the most memorable.

jacob's peter stories

Bryan and I were editing some footage on his computer when the power goes out. I go outside to find the power had been completely shut off. I turned it back on. We started to pick up where we were and the power shuts off again. We look through the window and see Peter standing by the breakers. Bryan yells "Dad! Cut it out. You're ruining my computer when you do that!" Peter says "Was I f*ckin' with yall's miiiiinds?" Then comes back inside and continues eating his jar of peanuts.

Bryan and I came home late one night. We are in his bedroom and Peter comes in. "Sup Guys! I saw you guys come in. You walked right past me and didn't see me. I was in a tree." The next morning I'm outside with Peter and he points at a tree. "Yup, that was the one I was in and you guys walked right past me."

bees

Peter didn't know he bought a vibrating toothbrush. Apparently he turned it on at some point without realizing it and both he and my mom thought they had bumble bees in the bathroom walls.

peter and chili's

Peter called me from Chili's one night to pick him up. I say "Peter, I'm in Austin. It'll take me over two hours to get there." He says "Two hours? Perfect!" and then he hung up.

I'm at my house watching a movie with a nice boy when I get a call from Peter. He and my mom are at Chili's and neither of them can drive. I had no choice but to pick them up. So we head to Chili's and the nice boy drives my car to my parent's house with Peter and I drive my mom. I park Peter's car and expect to hop in mine and head back to my house. To my surprise the nice boy parks my car and the two of them get out. Peter has decided to give him a tour of the house. It doesn't sound so bad, but Peter starts the tour in front of the house by showing him the pile of trash. He points at a mattress and says "Here is the mattress we had to throw out because the cat pissed all over it!"
Excellent first date.

One night my brother Bryan had to pick up Peter and my mom from Chili's. I promise I wasn't ignoring Peter's phone call because I knew they were at Chili's and didn't want to pick them up. I promise! By the time Bryan got to the restaurant they had already closed and locked the doors so he had to crawl through the plants and knock on the window to get their attention. Apparently they had no idea what was going on because all they did was smile at Bryan and wave.

One afternoon we all had lunch with Peter at Chili's and saw him walk to the bathroom completely sober without his shoes on. Apparently he's gotten comfortable there.

peter on a ranch

green leg

"What's wrong Peter?"
"Rough morning."
"Why?"
"When I woke up I had to explain to Cindy why my leg was all green."
"What? Why was your leg green?"
"Well, last night I fell in the pond."

dance floor

I just called my mom to make sure this story was true and she laughed uncontrollably for five minutes before she could tell me yes.

One time Peter took my mom out dancing and everyone in the club sat down while the band took a break and when they looked out at the dance floor where they were just cuttin' a rug, there was Peter's sandal... right in the middle of it.

peter's "new" motorcycle

"One time I was impressing Cindy on my new used motorcycle and on our first ride the muffler fell off and passed us up rolling down the hill."

"HE DID IT AGAIN!"

So I'm having dinner at a Mexican restaurant with Peter and my mom and there just so happens to be the Astros game on every t.v. in the place. Everyone is obviously watching because when a player throws the ball to the wrong base you can hear everyone saying "No!" or shaking their head in disappointment. As for Peter, he doesn't know a whole lot about baseball. They show a replay of the throw and Peter practically jumps out of his seat and yells "HE DID IT AGAIN! THAT F*ING DUMB ASS DID IT AGAIN!"
My mom says "you can't be serious, Peter." And the look of confusion on his face confirmed that he really did think that f*cking dumb ass did it again.

ebay

First of all, Peter doesn't "buy" stuff on ebay. He "WINS" it.
And Peter has two user names and sometimes forgets which username he uses to bid on items. One day we heard him in his computer room yelling "this asshole keeps outbidding me!" After he yelled some more about this asshole outbidding him he got really quiet and we asked him if he had finally "won." He said to us "Well folks, I was bidding against myself!" That's right, he had his second username on autobid and forgot.

Another time he was really proud of a laptop he had "won" on ebay. When his laptop came in the mail he was surprised at what a large box it had arrived in. His laptop was actually a desktop computer.

picture editing

Once I saw Peter trying to edit a trashcan out of a picture using the "paint" program.

toilet plunger

I call my sister and say "Laura, you won't believe this, Bryan just called me to tell me Peter called him looking for his toilet plunger and Peter beeped in on the other line asking me where it was!" and she tells me "HE JUST CAME TO MY HOUSE LOOKING FOR IT!"
Peter seriously thought one of his kids stole his toilet plunger. God knows who else he called.