One evening at my brother's house in Holland Peter sat at the dining room table writing a very long and intimate email to my mom. We watch him as he writes it because he keeps grinning at himself, probably thinking my mom was going to be impressed by how cool and suave he is.
All of the sudden Peter pushes himself away from the table, throws his hands in the air, and yells "NO! WHAT THE HELL? HOW THE F*CK DID THAT HAPPEN?!"
Peter sent his love letter to our family dog groomer.
Laughing hysterically we asked him how he could possibly send his love letter to the wrong person and he responded as if we had wrongly accused him.
"OH! I DID IT? I DID IT?"
Yes, Peter, you sent a love letter to the family dog groomer.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
peter's first gps
Once Peter got a new car with his very first GPS. He wanted to take me for a ride in it but it had to be quick because I only had ten minutes before I had to leave for class. We spent those entire ten minutes at the stop sign on his street while he yelled at his GPS for giving him the "wrong" directions out of the neighborhood.
When his GPS started speaking French, the ride was over.
When his GPS started speaking French, the ride was over.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
what fish?
Peter's jacuzzi had been broken for months so my mom decided to turn it into a fish pond.
One day Peter decided it was time to fix his jacuzzi and I saw him standing next to it vacuuming out all of the water.
"Peter, what'd you do with all the fish?"
"What fish?"
"Peter, mom put a bunch a little fish in there weeks ago!"
Peter stood there confused, stroking his mustache, and finally said "Well, I must have sucked them right up!"
One day Peter decided it was time to fix his jacuzzi and I saw him standing next to it vacuuming out all of the water.
"Peter, what'd you do with all the fish?"
"What fish?"
"Peter, mom put a bunch a little fish in there weeks ago!"
Peter stood there confused, stroking his mustache, and finally said "Well, I must have sucked them right up!"
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
elevator ride
Peter and a friend are riding on an elevator together when thanks to Peter the air becomes disgustingly toxic.
All of the sudden the doors open and a beautiful woman gets on.
Peter's friend is so embarrassed he gets off of the elevator.
When the doors close Peter tells the beautiful woman "Thank god that guy got off. He's got a serious problem."
All of the sudden the doors open and a beautiful woman gets on.
Peter's friend is so embarrassed he gets off of the elevator.
When the doors close Peter tells the beautiful woman "Thank god that guy got off. He's got a serious problem."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
peter learns about netflix
Peter was at the dining room table and I heard him mumbling "man, this is some weird lookin' mail." Then my mom walked in and said "Peter, what the hell are you doing?!"
(If you haven't noticed, we ask Peter this question at least once a day.)
He was opening Bryan's outgoing netflix d.v.d.s. that he got out of the mailbox.
He got mad and yelled "how the hell was I supposed to know?!"
It was too funny, I had to leave the room.
When I came back in Bryan's netflix d.v.d.s were sitting on the table, all sealed up with scotch tape.
(If you haven't noticed, we ask Peter this question at least once a day.)
He was opening Bryan's outgoing netflix d.v.d.s. that he got out of the mailbox.
He got mad and yelled "how the hell was I supposed to know?!"
It was too funny, I had to leave the room.
When I came back in Bryan's netflix d.v.d.s were sitting on the table, all sealed up with scotch tape.
Monday, January 25, 2010
grandma pauline is coming
"Peter! What the hell are you doing?!"
"Grandma Pauline is coming in a few weeks."
"Oh."
"Mom! What the hell is Peter doing?!"
peterisms
Peter got new speakers and told my sister to come over and listen to them. "The sound is just so crispy."
On Thanksgiving Peter told us we had to try the pie. "Man, this pie is voluptuous!"
Peter saw Eileen looking through an Urban Outfitters catalog and said "Man those girls are skinny. What are they, anorectic?"
It's a family tradition on Christmas to take turns reading the story of baby Jesus before we open gifts. Last time Peter read it the angels "hoovered."
Peter got a new gold chain and wanted to show everyone his "bling." He says "Hey guys, check out my binky!"
On Thanksgiving Peter told us we had to try the pie. "Man, this pie is voluptuous!"
Peter saw Eileen looking through an Urban Outfitters catalog and said "Man those girls are skinny. What are they, anorectic?"
It's a family tradition on Christmas to take turns reading the story of baby Jesus before we open gifts. Last time Peter read it the angels "hoovered."
Peter got a new gold chain and wanted to show everyone his "bling." He says "Hey guys, check out my binky!"
Sunday, January 24, 2010
peter gets bored
Once Peter was so bored I saw him sitting outside cutting pieces of cat food with scissors.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
peter's ducati
When Peter was younger and living in Venezuela he had a motorcycle called a Ducati. He loved his motorcycle so much that he carried around a lock and chain in his backpack so that noone could steal his beloved motorcycle, painted black with a matte finish and lacking a kickstand. One day Peter took my mom to the movies and chained his motorcycle to a pole. When they left the movies someone had stolen the chain and left the motorcycle.
He must have been quite a site to see on that motorcycle with his pancho and goggles and funny helmet. One day Peter stopped for a hitchiker and he took one look at Peter and took off running.
Once someone's fish died from lack of oxygen after Peter's Ducati suffered a small fire and he "borrowed" some aquarium hoses to replace the ones that had burned.
One night Peter took my mom to a burger joint where all the cool bikers hung out. He didn't prop his motorcycle up well enough and it toppled over creating a domino effect knocking over all the cool guys' motorcycles.
Once a fat traffic officer eating a sandwich jumped on the back of Peter's motorcycle at an intersection and ordered him to "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Peter never made it out of first gear.
He must have been quite a site to see on that motorcycle with his pancho and goggles and funny helmet. One day Peter stopped for a hitchiker and he took one look at Peter and took off running.
Once someone's fish died from lack of oxygen after Peter's Ducati suffered a small fire and he "borrowed" some aquarium hoses to replace the ones that had burned.
One night Peter took my mom to a burger joint where all the cool bikers hung out. He didn't prop his motorcycle up well enough and it toppled over creating a domino effect knocking over all the cool guys' motorcycles.
Once a fat traffic officer eating a sandwich jumped on the back of Peter's motorcycle at an intersection and ordered him to "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Peter never made it out of first gear.
Friday, January 22, 2010
peter travels
Once at an airport in Nashville Peter was trying to print his boarding pass and became really angry because the machine wasn't responding. Then he remembered he was flying Continental and not Southwest.
Once at an airport in Colombia a drug sniffing dog peed on Peter's suitcase.
Once Peter put his carry on suitcase through security and forgot it. Then it was considered abandoned.
Once Peter bragged to everyone about what a great deal he had gotten on some tickets to Mexico. It wasn't until the day he was supposed to return from Mexico that it was brought to his attention he had booked his return flight for the following month.
While on a Caribbean cruise Peter turned blue in the face trying to sip a rum runner. Turns out he'd mistaken the cherry stem for a little red straw.
Once while travelling through the interior of Venezuela Peter was stopped at a checkpoint by the National Guard on the hunt for guerrillas. While searching the car they came upon his flute case. They found it to be rather suspicious looking and asked Peter to open it up. He opened the case, assembled his flute, and proceeded to play the Venezuelan national anthem. All National Guards stood at attention.
Once at an airport in Colombia a drug sniffing dog peed on Peter's suitcase.
Once Peter put his carry on suitcase through security and forgot it. Then it was considered abandoned.
Once Peter bragged to everyone about what a great deal he had gotten on some tickets to Mexico. It wasn't until the day he was supposed to return from Mexico that it was brought to his attention he had booked his return flight for the following month.
While on a Caribbean cruise Peter turned blue in the face trying to sip a rum runner. Turns out he'd mistaken the cherry stem for a little red straw.
Once while travelling through the interior of Venezuela Peter was stopped at a checkpoint by the National Guard on the hunt for guerrillas. While searching the car they came upon his flute case. They found it to be rather suspicious looking and asked Peter to open it up. He opened the case, assembled his flute, and proceeded to play the Venezuelan national anthem. All National Guards stood at attention.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
peter in holland
When Peter travels to Holland he feels like it’s necessary to speak broken English with a Chinese accent to Dutch people. One day we were doing some shopping in a small town outside of Amsterdam and I saw Peter with his arms flapping at his side. I thought "Oh no. What the hell is he doing now?" Then I heard him telling the shop owner “We come here on big bird. Big bird is big plane. We come here on big plane.”
“Oh, really? What airline did you fly?” she replied in perfect English.
Before leaving the little town Peter took us to a cafe so he could use the bathroom. He told us the place was famous for their tomato soup. Famous? Really? I had to try it. The waitress told me sorry, that they didn't serve tomato soup.
On this same trip to Holland Peter and I decided to go visit my great aunt and uncle a few hours from the town we were staying in. We rented a car and after Peter joked to the Dutch guy about there being cigarette butts and condoms in the back seat of rental cars in New Orleans and the Dutch guy having no clue what he was talking about, we were on our way.
Peter must have gotten pretty distracted while trying to tell me a joke about an alien and alien’s wife and getting frustrated with himself for not getting it right and yelling “f*ck it! I won’t even tell it!” because it was right after this that we realized we were lost. Well, I realized we were lost. Peter swore he knew exactly where we were because he recognized the cows and windmills on the side of the road. Seriously though, think about how many cows and windmills there must be in Holland. After a few lefts and rights I realized that none of the signs were in Dutch anymore. Peter drove us all the way to Germany.
Hours after our estimated time of arrival and after Peter stopped more than once for Doritos and peanuts, we made it to my great aunt and uncle’s house. We had a wonderful time, but knew it was time to leave when Peter obviously had Henieken on his mind and couldn’t stop calling my aunt Tenieke “Henieke.”
In the station waiting for the train to Amsterdam my brother and I notice Peter staring blankly at a pile of dust between his feet as he unrolled his crushed pack of rolaids. Then he looks up at us and says in a very serious tone "Welp, folks, my rolaids died."
In Amsterdam Peter wanted to show us a beautiful canal and he knew exactly where it was. Before we knew it we were lost in the red light district and all Peter could say to us was "Well kids, that's just the way life goes sometimes."
Thank you in dutch is "dank u wel." When they bring Peter his coffee he says "donkey!"
One second Peter and I are walking side by side down a crowded street in Amsterdam. The next second Peter is nowhere to be found. I’m turning around in circles looking for him when I finally spot him with his face up against the front window of an oriental décor shop, doing his best Chinese impression.
Honestly though, both of the trips I took to Holland with Peter were probably some of the best times I've ever had and are certainly the most memorable.
“Oh, really? What airline did you fly?” she replied in perfect English.
Before leaving the little town Peter took us to a cafe so he could use the bathroom. He told us the place was famous for their tomato soup. Famous? Really? I had to try it. The waitress told me sorry, that they didn't serve tomato soup.
On this same trip to Holland Peter and I decided to go visit my great aunt and uncle a few hours from the town we were staying in. We rented a car and after Peter joked to the Dutch guy about there being cigarette butts and condoms in the back seat of rental cars in New Orleans and the Dutch guy having no clue what he was talking about, we were on our way.
Peter must have gotten pretty distracted while trying to tell me a joke about an alien and alien’s wife and getting frustrated with himself for not getting it right and yelling “f*ck it! I won’t even tell it!” because it was right after this that we realized we were lost. Well, I realized we were lost. Peter swore he knew exactly where we were because he recognized the cows and windmills on the side of the road. Seriously though, think about how many cows and windmills there must be in Holland. After a few lefts and rights I realized that none of the signs were in Dutch anymore. Peter drove us all the way to Germany.
Hours after our estimated time of arrival and after Peter stopped more than once for Doritos and peanuts, we made it to my great aunt and uncle’s house. We had a wonderful time, but knew it was time to leave when Peter obviously had Henieken on his mind and couldn’t stop calling my aunt Tenieke “Henieke.”
In the station waiting for the train to Amsterdam my brother and I notice Peter staring blankly at a pile of dust between his feet as he unrolled his crushed pack of rolaids. Then he looks up at us and says in a very serious tone "Welp, folks, my rolaids died."
In Amsterdam Peter wanted to show us a beautiful canal and he knew exactly where it was. Before we knew it we were lost in the red light district and all Peter could say to us was "Well kids, that's just the way life goes sometimes."
Thank you in dutch is "dank u wel." When they bring Peter his coffee he says "donkey!"
One second Peter and I are walking side by side down a crowded street in Amsterdam. The next second Peter is nowhere to be found. I’m turning around in circles looking for him when I finally spot him with his face up against the front window of an oriental décor shop, doing his best Chinese impression.
Honestly though, both of the trips I took to Holland with Peter were probably some of the best times I've ever had and are certainly the most memorable.
jacob's peter stories
Bryan and I were editing some footage on his computer when the power goes out. I go outside to find the power had been completely shut off. I turned it back on. We started to pick up where we were and the power shuts off again. We look through the window and see Peter standing by the breakers. Bryan yells "Dad! Cut it out. You're ruining my computer when you do that!" Peter says "Was I f*ckin' with yall's miiiiinds?" Then comes back inside and continues eating his jar of peanuts.
Bryan and I came home late one night. We are in his bedroom and Peter comes in. "Sup Guys! I saw you guys come in. You walked right past me and didn't see me. I was in a tree." The next morning I'm outside with Peter and he points at a tree. "Yup, that was the one I was in and you guys walked right past me."
Bryan and I came home late one night. We are in his bedroom and Peter comes in. "Sup Guys! I saw you guys come in. You walked right past me and didn't see me. I was in a tree." The next morning I'm outside with Peter and he points at a tree. "Yup, that was the one I was in and you guys walked right past me."
bees
Peter didn't know he bought a vibrating toothbrush. Apparently he turned it on at some point without realizing it and both he and my mom thought they had bumble bees in the bathroom walls.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
peter and chili's
Peter called me from Chili's one night to pick him up. I say "Peter, I'm in Austin. It'll take me over two hours to get there." He says "Two hours? Perfect!" and then he hung up.
I'm at my house watching a movie with a nice boy when I get a call from Peter. He and my mom are at Chili's and neither of them can drive. I had no choice but to pick them up. So we head to Chili's and the nice boy drives my car to my parent's house with Peter and I drive my mom. I park Peter's car and expect to hop in mine and head back to my house. To my surprise the nice boy parks my car and the two of them get out. Peter has decided to give him a tour of the house. It doesn't sound so bad, but Peter starts the tour in front of the house by showing him the pile of trash. He points at a mattress and says "Here is the mattress we had to throw out because the cat pissed all over it!"
Excellent first date.
One night my brother Bryan had to pick up Peter and my mom from Chili's. I promise I wasn't ignoring Peter's phone call because I knew they were at Chili's and didn't want to pick them up. I promise! By the time Bryan got to the restaurant they had already closed and locked the doors so he had to crawl through the plants and knock on the window to get their attention. Apparently they had no idea what was going on because all they did was smile at Bryan and wave.
One afternoon we all had lunch with Peter at Chili's and saw him walk to the bathroom completely sober without his shoes on. Apparently he's gotten comfortable there.
I'm at my house watching a movie with a nice boy when I get a call from Peter. He and my mom are at Chili's and neither of them can drive. I had no choice but to pick them up. So we head to Chili's and the nice boy drives my car to my parent's house with Peter and I drive my mom. I park Peter's car and expect to hop in mine and head back to my house. To my surprise the nice boy parks my car and the two of them get out. Peter has decided to give him a tour of the house. It doesn't sound so bad, but Peter starts the tour in front of the house by showing him the pile of trash. He points at a mattress and says "Here is the mattress we had to throw out because the cat pissed all over it!"
Excellent first date.
One night my brother Bryan had to pick up Peter and my mom from Chili's. I promise I wasn't ignoring Peter's phone call because I knew they were at Chili's and didn't want to pick them up. I promise! By the time Bryan got to the restaurant they had already closed and locked the doors so he had to crawl through the plants and knock on the window to get their attention. Apparently they had no idea what was going on because all they did was smile at Bryan and wave.
One afternoon we all had lunch with Peter at Chili's and saw him walk to the bathroom completely sober without his shoes on. Apparently he's gotten comfortable there.
Monday, January 18, 2010
green leg
"What's wrong Peter?"
"Rough morning."
"Why?"
"When I woke up I had to explain to Cindy why my leg was all green."
"What? Why was your leg green?"
"Well, last night I fell in the pond."
"Rough morning."
"Why?"
"When I woke up I had to explain to Cindy why my leg was all green."
"What? Why was your leg green?"
"Well, last night I fell in the pond."
Sunday, January 17, 2010
dance floor
I just called my mom to make sure this story was true and she laughed uncontrollably for five minutes before she could tell me yes.
One time Peter took my mom out dancing and everyone in the club sat down while the band took a break and when they looked out at the dance floor where they were just cuttin' a rug, there was Peter's sandal... right in the middle of it.
One time Peter took my mom out dancing and everyone in the club sat down while the band took a break and when they looked out at the dance floor where they were just cuttin' a rug, there was Peter's sandal... right in the middle of it.
peter's "new" motorcycle
"One time I was impressing Cindy on my new used motorcycle and on our first ride the muffler fell off and passed us up rolling down the hill."
"HE DID IT AGAIN!"
So I'm having dinner at a Mexican restaurant with Peter and my mom and there just so happens to be the Astros game on every t.v. in the place. Everyone is obviously watching because when a player throws the ball to the wrong base you can hear everyone saying "No!" or shaking their head in disappointment. As for Peter, he doesn't know a whole lot about baseball. They show a replay of the throw and Peter practically jumps out of his seat and yells "HE DID IT AGAIN! THAT F*ING DUMB ASS DID IT AGAIN!"
My mom says "you can't be serious, Peter." And the look of confusion on his face confirmed that he really did think that f*cking dumb ass did it again.
My mom says "you can't be serious, Peter." And the look of confusion on his face confirmed that he really did think that f*cking dumb ass did it again.
ebay
First of all, Peter doesn't "buy" stuff on ebay. He "WINS" it.
And Peter has two user names and sometimes forgets which username he uses to bid on items. One day we heard him in his computer room yelling "this asshole keeps outbidding me!" After he yelled some more about this asshole outbidding him he got really quiet and we asked him if he had finally "won." He said to us "Well folks, I was bidding against myself!" That's right, he had his second username on autobid and forgot.
Another time he was really proud of a laptop he had "won" on ebay. When his laptop came in the mail he was surprised at what a large box it had arrived in. His laptop was actually a desktop computer.
And Peter has two user names and sometimes forgets which username he uses to bid on items. One day we heard him in his computer room yelling "this asshole keeps outbidding me!" After he yelled some more about this asshole outbidding him he got really quiet and we asked him if he had finally "won." He said to us "Well folks, I was bidding against myself!" That's right, he had his second username on autobid and forgot.
Another time he was really proud of a laptop he had "won" on ebay. When his laptop came in the mail he was surprised at what a large box it had arrived in. His laptop was actually a desktop computer.
picture editing
Once I saw Peter trying to edit a trashcan out of a picture using the "paint" program.
toilet plunger
I call my sister and say "Laura, you won't believe this, Bryan just called me to tell me Peter called him looking for his toilet plunger and Peter beeped in on the other line asking me where it was!" and she tells me "HE JUST CAME TO MY HOUSE LOOKING FOR IT!"
Peter seriously thought one of his kids stole his toilet plunger. God knows who else he called.
Peter seriously thought one of his kids stole his toilet plunger. God knows who else he called.
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