peter plays darts

Once Peter went to Molly's Clear Lake and bet the bartender twenty bucks he could hit the bull's eye on his first try. Peter threw the dart, it flew past the dartboard and hit the door of the women's restroom. The bartender felt so bad for him that he wouldn't take his money.

peter gets me good

I walked into my parent's house last night and my sister and brother-in-law were sitting with Peter in the living room laughing their ass off.
Peter was sitting on the couch with his "mini" computer and when I asked what was so funny he proudly said to me "Man, I got you good!"
Peter thought I had left my facebook logged in on his computer and he attempted to embarrass me with a status update about having diarrhea.
What really happened was Peter was logged into HIS OWN facebook and posted something on my wall from HIM.

Here it is: "Peter Schutmaat oh do I have the !!!!!!! Yesterday at 8:18 pm"

The best part is he probably doesn't even know how to delete it so it's still on my wall.

You got me good, Peter.

it wasn't peter's fault

"So, Peter, how did you manage to fly off of Laura's treadmill and into the wall?"
"You think it was my fault?! That f*cking machine tried to eat my sandal."

i am peter's daughter

When you're related to Peter, the chances are there will come a time or two when you do something very "peterish" to remind you that you're related to him. And because I am his daughter, these times come to me at full force. I do something and then ask myself "Oh my god, did I really just do that?" Of course I did, I am Peter's daughter.

The other night I thought I was absolutely hilarious when I sent my friend a text message that said "I know what you did, you dirty bird!" I giggled as I waited for his reply because to me, calling someone a dirty bird is just so funny.
A few minutes went by and he hadn't responded so I looked down at my phone and realized that in my contact list, my friend's name is right next to Peter's realtor's name.
Yup, I sent Peter's realtor a text message that said "I know what you did, you dirty bird!"

Times like these remind me that I am a product of Peter.
The only difference is I know that I did it. I know that my blackberry isn't "out to get me."

the real reason peter doesn't want a treadmill

The other day my sister asked me "You wanna know why Peter really doesn't want a treadmill?"
Of course I wanted to know.

"Well, one day Peter came over to my house and got on the treadmill and just started pushing buttons. I don't think he thought anything was going to happen. All of the sudden Peter flew off of the treadmill and almost made a hole in my wall."

peter's profound moment

One morning at the lake house we caught the end of American Beauty while getting ready to spend the day by the lake.
Peter sat at the end of the bed in front of the t.v. with a sincere look on his face and nodding in agreement as Kevin Spacey talked about there being so much beauty in the world and feeling like he sometimes sees it all at once and his heart filling up like a balloon (yeah, you know the line.)
My sister and I looked at each other confused. Was Peter having some kind of sincere, profound moment?
Then we looked down and noticed that all the while Peter was rubbing Australian Gold tanning oil on top of his feet and between his toes.

peter gets a tan

One summer Peter was determined to get a "nice" tan so he picked up some Australian Gold tanning oil at Walgreens.
Every day he thoroughly covered himself in tanning oil and sat out in the sun with his shorts rolled up in front of a fan.
We were actually impressed by how fast he began tanning even though we were a little suspicious because he always talked about what "good shit" his tanning oil was.
One day we were out by the pool and noticed some weird dark orange colors on Peter's white swimming trunks.
Turns out the tanning oil wasn't just tanning oil.
Did Peter not want us to know he was using self-tanner or did he just have no clue?

peter knows what louie likes

One afternoon Peter confidently told us that there's nothing Louie (his basset hound) wouldn't do for an ice cube on a hot day.

Peter tossed Louie an ice cube and Louie sniffed it and walked away.

peter doesn't want a treadmill

Me: Peter, I thought you were going to get a treadmill.

Peter: I don't want a treadmill. That shit's for old people. You think I need shit around to remind me I'm getting old?

My mom: Oh give me a break, Peter. Look at your sandals.

Peter: These were an accident!

My mom: That's your fourth pair, Peter.

Peter: Yup. And my fourth accident.

housewarming gifts

When I was eighteen and moved into my first place Peter got me two housewarming gifts. One red neon sign that said "WHATEVER" and one purple neon sign that said "BRAT." He got them for a steal at Walgreens.

I ♥ Peter so much that when he would come over I'd take them out of the closet and plug them in in my dining room.

peter looks for cat crap

Once Peter spent an entire morning looking for the pile of cat crap he smelled in the house.
Finally, he realized the cat crap was on the tip of his nose.
How did it get there? No idea. But once I witnessed Peter yelling up a storm because a cat had crapped in his motorcycle helmet so I can only imagine the possibilities.