birth control

"Peter, can I have some money?"
"What the hell for?"
"I need to pick up my birth control."

Peter quickly pulls out his wallet, hands me some money, and says

"You sure can, here you go, go on now, you're looking pretty fertile."

when I was in labor

When I was in labor my contractions were monitored and Peter sat there and watched them on this screen. When I would scream because of a contraction, Peter would say "oh shut up Heather, that was a little one, I just saw it on the screen."

peter gets a new phone part II

It's now known among our family that when Peter calls you, you don't answer the phone or call back unless it rings more than once. That's how we deal with Peter's phone calling us "all on its own."

"Peter, you dropped your phone. Be careful. You're going to break it."
"That's probably the best f*cking thing that could happen to me!"

When I can hear Peter listening to music next door, I like to send him a text message. Why? Because I think it's hilarious when I can hear him pause the song he's listening to so he can concentrate on receiving the text.

The other day I was in the car with Peter and his phone made him furious. He keeps his phone in his shirt pocket and swears his "nipple unlocks the piece of shit."