peter gets kicked out of boy scouts

"Peter, mom told me you got kicked out of boy scouts!"
"Yup. One night we were camping and me and my buddy pissed on every one's sleeping bag."
"Why would you do that?"
"To be funny!"
"So how did they find out it was you?"
"We were the only ones that went to sleep in our sleeping bags."
"And they kicked you out?"
"Not for that. They kicked me out because I brought my new hatchet with me one day and chopped up all the rope we were going to use to practice tying knots."
"WHY?!"
"I dunno, just wanted to use my new hatchet."

peter's body wash

One day Peter brought me into the bathroom because he wanted to show me something "really cool" that he had just bought. I thought it was another vibrating toothbrush or something like that. To my surprise he showed me a bottle of AXE body wash. I had no idea what to even say. Why would he go out of his way to show me a bottle of body wash? He just stood there nodding his head saying "eh? eh? pretty cool, huh?"
Later I asked my mom why Peter thought his body wash was so cool and she said "Jesus, did he really go buy that? Last night he saw the commercial."

peter doesn't know sound travels on water REVISED

It's been brought to my attention that I remembered this story incorrectly.

Apparently Peter doesn't know sound travels on water.
One day at the lake house Peter went out on the lake in the little boat to fish BY HIMSELF. We were all sitting on the balcony enjoying the sunshine when we hear Peter say to himself after getting lake water on him, very clearly I might add, "I can't believe Cindy only packed me two pairs of underwear. I've been wearing this pair for two and a half days now."

Maybe it's just me, but this story just got so much funnier.

peter doesn't know sound travels on water

Apparently Peter doesn't know sound travels on water.
One day at the lake house Peter took one of my cousins out on the lake in the little boat to fish. We were all sitting on the balcony enjoying the sunshine when we hear Peter, very clearly I might add, say "I can't believe Cindy only packed me two pairs of underwear. I've been wearing this pair for two and half days now."

TITCO

Peter told me that once he got a bulk of lighters for really cheap at TITCO. I told him I was pretty sure it was a CITGO and not a TITCO. Then he said something like "it was a f*cking TITCO. You guys think I just make this shit up." Later in the day I walked into the computer room and he had left this image on the computer screen for us to see.



Imagine how cool he thought he was with no clue that he was STILL wrong.

loucious

"Those people were weird. They were into witchcraft and had a dog name Loucious!"
"It was Lucifer, Peter."
"Yeah, that's what I said."

when I was freshman in high school

One day, when I was a freshman in high school, I called Peter from the nurse's office to come pick me up because I wasn't feeling well.
Peter took forever to come get me. After he finally got me he admitted to me in the car on the way home that he had gone to my old intermediate school to pick me up. The lady at the front desk remembered who I was and informed him that I was in high school.

Peter didn't even know what grade I was in.

peter and a lost cake

My mom bought a cake for one of my siblings and it was pretty big so when she checked out they put the cake under the shopping cart. When my mom got home she realized she had left the cake under the shopping cart and told Peter about it. Convinced it was their fault for putting the cake in such a stupid place, Peter decided he would take care of the situation. Peter went to Randall’s and told them what had happened.
“Sorry, sir. We haven’t found any shopping carts in the parking lot with cake in them.”
“You can’t be f*cking serious, who the hell would steal a birthday cake with someone else’s name on it?”
“We don’t know that anyone stole it, we just know that a cake in the parking lot hasn’t been found.”
“Well what am I supposed to do now? It’s not my fault someone put the cake in a stupid place!”
“I’m sure the bakery can prepare you another one.”
“Forget it! We don’t want another cake from your bakery! We’ll never buy another cake here again!”
Peter went home and proudly told my mom that he “chewed out” those people at Randall’s.
“Peter, you can’t be serious.”
“Yup! I let them have it.”
“Peter, I bought the cake at target.”

peter reports a disturbance

If you read "Peterisms" you already know that Peter gets words confused quite often and sometimes makes up his own. Just last night he told me and my friends it was such a weird feeling to get "diga voo." Don't let this give you the wrong idea though. Peter is an absolute genius, musically (have you heard that man play the flute?), comically (although unintentionally), and in many other ways. Still, he says some absolutely HILARIOUS shit.

I used to have these really awful neighbors that would get drunk in the middle of the afternoon and yell horribly profane things at each other and sometimes get physical. For the most part I had no choice but to call the cops. One after noon it got pretty bad and I asked Peter if he would do me a favor and call the police.
"Peter, just tell them they're fighting again and yelling profane things."
"You got it!"
So, Peter calls them and says "Yes ma'am. Our neighbors are going at it again. They're shouting very pornographic things at each other!"
"Profanities, Peter!!! PROFANITIES!"
Going at it? Pornographic? I don't even want to think about what kind of situation the dispatcher thought Peter was trying to report.
Peter had no idea what he had said wrong. He just looked at me very confused and said "What? They're on their way."

Peter taking a "picture"

Peter accidently taking video Video by heather minette - MySpace Video

twosome and horse fish

Tonight at my sister's house the bachelor was on t.v. and Peter says
"Oh look at that guy with those two girls! What's the hell's he gonna do? Go have a twosome?!"
"A twosome, Peter?"
"Well actually it's called a MENGAGE A TROIS!"
After we stop laughing I say
"You know Peter, that's actually acceptable in some cultures, to have two women."
And Peter says
"You know male horse fish carry the babies!"
"Horse fish, Peter?"
"Yup! The guys."

peter is busy

I wrote this down yesterday afternoon.

Exactly twenty minutes ago I called Peter to see if I could get some help putting together a new book shelf. Before I could even finish asking he told me he was waaay too busy.

Exactly twenty minutes ago Peter accepted my friend request from Peter Stories.

Real busy, Peter.

when I was fourteen

When I was fourteen I came home two hours past my curfew. There was Peter, standing in the doorway in his whitie tighties and black knee socks for all my friends to see. My best friend Destiny asked me “What the hell is Peter doing?” Then he opened the door and yelled “HEATHER, I’M NOT MAD! I’M ON FIRE!”

When I was fourteen my pager went through the washing machine. When Peter took me to get a new one he told me to tell them that I had no idea what happened to it, it just stopped working. So I did just that. The guy opened my pager and water came out. Then Peter looked at ME and then looked at the guy and shook his head as if I had lied.

my face

"Did you get my comment on my face?"
"No, Peter I didn't get your comment on facebook."
"I know you didn't! Because I can't figure out how to f*cking do it!"